Feelings

Love, loss, hatred, fear, joy, magic.

What feeling do you feel right now? Feelings are tricky things. They’re erratic. They don’t take too well to commands; they don’t listen to what you want. They arrive at the most unexpected times, knocking at one’s door and anticipating everything. Your career… your family life. Your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical state depends on them. They challenge every thought you’ve ever entertained until they’re the only ones dancing with you. Just don’t forget that it takes two to tango.  After all, you’re in charge of what goes on in your heart. You can choose whether or not you let them in; take them captive before they take you.

Sometimes feelings attach themselves to something or someone of value. They suffocate you with their memory so that all you have left is them. This room... this room in my sister's house. This is where I learned  that to engage in matters of the heart, one must always remain detached from feelings. Because the truth is, it’s not about feelings at all. And I… I didn’t do that. I let the little leeches sink into my skin and take everything out of me until there was nothing; nothing but my fear, freedom… pride to keep me company. And in return for my feelings, I lost you.

Love is a choice. Love is a statement, not a question. Love is concrete. Love is like realizing that you were handcrafted, put together, and held together by something so much greater than you. When I look at my hands… they are my biggest instruments. They create. They destroy. They hold. They let go. If hands are an instrument, than the heart is the melody. The heart does not have the ability to let go or destroy. The heart is where our commitment lies. But I learned that we spend our lives keeping so many people out of that sacred place that we really only let ourselves in. Love is not a feeling. Love is not what I gave you. I gave you my hands, but I never gave you my heart.

I don't want to choose my feelings over you anymore. God, I give you everything. You want everything, so take it. Take me, please. Know my intentions. Hear me out. Take it all.